Introspection

Well, I bought the blue stocking.  I know everyone was in suspense over it. 

Thursday we were all measured, and even though B is still little we got a good report.  A is approximately 3lbs 5 oz, and B is 1lb 14 oz.  I have gained 42 lbs.  Even though B is still growing and seems to be doing well, they don't want me trying bedrest at home until he is at least 2 lbs.  So they're going to remeasure in 2 weeks instead of waiting a month like they normally do.  I'll be 32 weeks then anyhow, so in a much better place developmentally as far the babies are concerned. 

After the visit I had started trying to mentally prepare myself for making it almost to term (at least past 34 weeks) and then being able to take A home from the hospital with me and B still having to stay here for a while because of his malnourished state for basically the entire pregnancy, well since the placenta took over his nourishment anyway. So I have had some very mixed feelings the past few days.  Part of me is frustrated with myself for stressing out over it.  I had been doing really well the past month over realizing that God is in control, and whatever outcome we had here we were going to be able to deal with, and just really accepting the situation and having peace of mind over it.  I felt like that was starting to waiver a little bit.  So after praying about it, I feel like God used my doctor to sort of put my mind at rest.  When I was talking to her today she said that since B has been fighting so hard to survive in a sort of compromised situation, that he will probably do better than A.  She said that all of the 'extra' work he's doing to just survive produces his own set of steriods basically that give him an advantage that A probably won't have.  I know it's not a guarantee, and anything could still happen, and we will still deal with whatever happens, but I truly felt it was an answer to prayer for my peace of mind, and God letting me know He was still here, and still in control. 

I've also had some other thoughts, some of them generated by Crazy Love, which I have finished and thought was a great thought provoking book, that has totally motivated me to do some things diffferently.  One of them had to do with my perspective on life.  I realized that most if not all of the reason that I have geen doing ok with this hospital stay is that I know it's temporary.  It's going to end, pretty soon in the big scheme of things, and even though I'm not certain of the outcome at this point and don't know when the stay will end, I have it to look forward to.  This is constantly in the back of my mind.  When I'm reading, knitting, eating, talking on the phone, having vital signs taken, that knowledge sets the tone for my stay here.  I was pretty ashamed to realize the same was not true of my viewpoint of life on this earth.  I, sadly, do not constantly have the end in mind while I go about my daily routine at home.  When I'm making breakfast, checking off my to-do list, laundry, etc.  I'm not thinking about the end.  I'm not thinking about life with God after this life is over.  It is not a constant thought in the back of my head.  Life is temporary, and I know that.  I actually know how this story is going to end, so there is no uncertainty, except for the "when".  Yet I so easily get caught up in the here and now.  So I plan on changing this.  I'm starting with prayer.  I know that just as the Lord has been faithful during this hospital stay, He will continue it when I am at home, and if I seek His help in this then He can make it happen.