Homecoming

After 6 long weeks in the hospital, I am home.  The kids were so sweet on Monday - they had put balloons all over the house and made me "Welcome home mommy" signs. They hung them everywhere and they were SO excited.  I missed them so much.  Even though I was seeing them every day, it seems like they've grown up on me.  They all look older, and listening to them talk they sound older.  It's amazing how much difference
6 weeks makes when they're this little.  They've been snuggling with me on the couch and in my bed, and have been so sweet and concerned about me.  Except Silas - he's actually sick.  I feel so bad for him, he looks pitiful.  Mom has been carrying him around for 2 days.  He doesn't really want me - he wants her, which I would expect after the last few weeks.  It's probably better anyway, because I don't want to get the little ones sick, but it's sort of hard having your baby not want you when he's sick.

Which leads me to this next observation - being home is sort of surreal.  When I left I was pregnant, I came home not pregnant, but not with babies, and even though I was gone for so long, looking back on it, it went by pretty fast.  So I can't figure out which part feels like the dream - where I was in the hospital, or now.  It all seems sort of jumbled.  It's also weird, because the house is a little .... different... some furniture was rearranged, so things that need to go someplace are just sort of laying all over the house.  No one was sure where to put them, and to be honest, I don't even know what to do with it.  But normally living this way would be sure to drive me crazy in a short amount of time and right now, it's just adding to the surreality of this situation.  Surprisingly, at least for now, I don't feel stressed out about it.  Which that might be adding to the weirdness, too.   The only thing I've even attempted to "fix" since I got home was that I let Ansley know that she was going to stop wearing her headbands out in public, and she would be getting her hair fixed again.  I know that is completely superficial, and of all the things going on at the bottom of the list.  I have made fun of myself for this already, I guess it's the only thing in disarray I can do anything about right now, and so I'm on it.  Like white on rice. 

Recovery-wise I guess I'm doing well.  I ended up getting a spinal headache, which was terrible.  It didn't start until Sunday night, so they were hesitant to call it a spinal one, and so I went home with it, and then it got better and then worse again, and finally last night I was starting to feel nauseated and so I self-diagnosed myself, and called the doctor back and we went in and got a blood patch.  So now I feel great, but in order to ensure that I don't require a second patch, the anesthesiologist suggested I lay flat for two or three days as much as possible.  So that's what I'm doing.  I also feel like someone hit me across the back with a 2X4 where they did the patch, so now I'm taking my pain meds for that and not the incision.  By the weekend all should be well. 

C-sections and such

Well, as I'm sure you're all aware by now, the babies were born yesterday via c-section.  They are doing great and so far I am just fine, but after only 24 hours, I think I prefer delivering babies the way the Lord intended.  I know it wasn't possible in this case, and I am totally grateful for the technology that allowed us all to come through this - without it we might not have had such a good outcome for the boys.  I'm just saying being cut open hasn't been the most fun thing I've ever done. 

The surgery itself went fine.  Needles don't bother me much as long as I'm not watching, so the spinal block went just dandy and being numb was fine.  It was very weird feeling all of the pulling and tugging though.  I'm not sure even how to describe the sensation.  For whatever reason, it took the nurse a while to get R.  - they wanted him to wait until after the anesthesia part was finished before he came in, and so by the time he started walking in my doctor had already started cutting.  So R. gets there, sits down next to my head, and I ask him "Can you see anything yet?"  and he says, "I just saw all of your intestines."  I got to thinking later, this isn't a part of your spouse's body that you probably ever plan on viewing.  Thank goodness he doesn't have a weak stomach.  Right about the time they got the babies out, I started feeling ever so slightly nauseated from all of the pressure around my actual stomach (not the stomach region mind you, the organ itself).  So I let them know and they stick something in my IV.  Then I started having the most incredible heartburn I've ever had in my entire life.  So I tell them this, and they put something else in my IV.  Then they show me the babies, I got to kiss little Graham on the top of his head, and they took them to the NICU.  I think it was at this point that I fell asleep, and I woke up sometime later in the recovery area. The feeling hadn't quite returned fully to my lower half, yet.  But it was mostly there.  I could move, sort of.  So they wheeled me on the bed through the NICU so I could see the boys. 

Then they brought me to my room.  Fortunately, they had me on some good pain medicine, and really as long as I'm lying down or reclined, I feel just fine.  It's the whole moving around thing that's giving me problems.  I mean, they actually made me walk around today.  So, after showering, sitting in an actual chair to eat my breakfast, pumping, and then walking back to my room from the NICU at a snails pace, I think I used more energy in a couple of hours than I have in the last 6 weeks sitting in that hospital bed. 

I was going to try to make it through this on extra strength ibuprofen, but then someone (my friend from upstairs who had her baby a few weeks ago) reminded me that your uterus contracts when you are breastfeeding, and that this time, my uterus has been sliced open and stitched back up.  So, I gave in already and took a percocet.  I hate narcotics.  They make me loopy.  But I only took one, and I haven't felt like I'm having an out of body experience yet, so, so far so good!  I've heard the 3rd day is the worst.  So I'm wondering, is that tomorrow, or Monday? 

Back in my old room

Well today and yesterday were better days.  I got moved today back to my old room, and the light at the end of the tunnel has been defined a little more clearly - I think I actually see it now!  Obviously the longer the better for the babies, but they can't really seem to figure out what is going on, and I think to be on the safe side, they are pulling the plug at 34 weeks.  This is only 2 weeks and 3 days from now.  I don't have a "scheduled time" yet for the OR, but I'm pretty sure it's happening week after next, provided we don't take a turn for the worse and have to go sooner. 

Plus my sister came out to see me today and we had lunch together and talked for a couple hours, and it was great.  I'm glad we only live 3 hours away from each other - closer would be even better.  Maybe one day we can become Amish and homeschool our kids and grow vegetables together. 

I also am looking forward to seeing my husband tonight - I didn't get to see him yesterday because he spent the whole day working very hard at rearranging the bedrooms and assembling some bunkbeds with the help of some wonderful friends.  I can't wait to see it! He said it's going to be like extreme home makeover when I get home.  I haven't seen the kids since Sunday, because that little room that they had me in was not a very room for kids to visit, so I'm looking forward to seeing them tomorrow. Needless to say my mood is much better, and I have a renewed determination to stay sane for the remainder of this hospital stay!

The Wall

Well, I think I hit it.  I'm not sure the snowstorm helped - I didn't see my husband or kids for 2 days.  But I didn't really realize the effects of this until later in the week.  I think it started after not seeing the kids for a few days.  Silas looked like he had grown up overnight, and I started missing them more than ever.  This happened the same day that the wi-fi went down at the hospital.  The security certificate expired, or something like that.  So I went a couple of days without internet.  I knit a couple more hats (a giraffe, and then a bigger strawberry for my sweet little girl), and read another book,  Where the River Ends, by Charles Martin.  It was a good book, but sad, and considering my depressed mood probably not the best choice.  Then we had an issue with my oldest and stitches and a haircut (which wasn't very pleasant), followed by 3 days of high dopplers on the little guy.  Also, there is one nurse who sort of gets on my nerves a little bit, but I've been able to cope so far.  Well I had her 2 days in a row.   Then today they moved me to a new room again.  This time, I had to switch floors, because I was the only patient in the unit upstairs, so they had to consolidate or something.  What stinks is the rooms down here are tiny compared to my room upstairs, and so I couldn't bring all of my stuff - plus I might only be here a few days before they reopen the unit, and I had accumulated a bunch of stuff, so it wouldn't all fit down here.  So I had to sent half of the stuff home, and move most of the rest of it with me.  There are still some cards and pictures that the kids drew for me hanging upstairs.  But I'm on an IV again because of the bad dopplers, which means I have to have help showering because they have to waterproof my IV before I can get in, and someone has to help me feed it through all of my clothes.  So basically a whole lot of minor things have happened in the last few days that have all added up to one bad mood.  I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow, but I figure, after over 5 weeks here, I'm allowed a bad day, right?

Snow Day

The past couple of days not much has been going on around here.  Much of this is due to the "severe weather" that has come our way.  Monday only about half the hospital, it seems, came to work.  They had to rustle some people up to bring food to the rooms, doctors offices closed, patients that were here to be induced had to wait another day.  Among the people who were here it was a hot topic of conversation.  For me, not much has been different.  I did get to see the snow on the roof , parking deck, and HVAC equipment that I have a view of from my room, but if it weren't for all the hoopla surrounding the storm, I wouldn't have known otherwise. They actually asked the day-shift nurses to spend the night last night so that they wouldn't have to drive on the roads this morning.  So most of the patient rooms up here were full of nurses (housekeeping was thrilled with this).  Two of the nurses that I am getting to know pretty well (there are 7 regular nurses up here on the 4th floor that I'm getting to know, and then everyone else is a 3rd floor nurse that rotates in for a shift once a month or so), had to work today, so they spent the night.  After they had gotten settled they came in and played Scrabble with me for a little while, and we ate chocolate. 

I finished knitting my monkey hat that I've been working on for a while.  I actually made 3 little hats, all because of the monkey hat.  The monkey hat is crocheted, not knitted and I don't know how to crochet.  So I kept trying to find some knitting patterns that resembled the cute monkey hat I wanted to knit.  The first pattern I tried was cute, but I sort of had to make some stuff up, and in the end, I didn't feel like it had the look I wanted, so I made it a bear hat instead, and it made a cute bear hat.  With the monkey hat still in mind, I tried a couple of other patterns, and them promptly took them out.  It was at this point that I decided to learn how to just crochet and make the monkey hat the way I wanted.  So I tried for several days to teach myself how to crochet.  This didn't go so well, so I took the monkey hat out a few more times, and made a strawberry hat.  I finally decided that I was not meant to crochet, and went back to trying to knit the monkey hat.  I took it out a couple more times, and then the last time, even though I wasn't incredibly happy with it, I just knit it and was going to go with whatever I got because I felt like I couldn't move on with my life until I got the stinking monkey hat done.  So it's done.  It's not as cute as I had wanted, but it's finished, and I've put the knitting down for a few days to sort of collect myself. 

While on my knitting break (since Sunday), I have been reading.  I read a short little book that was ok that someone had loaned me.  It was a fast read, but not something I probably would normally have picked up.  I'll just say, it was Christian-romantic-fiction.  I'm not much into romantic fiction.  I do like period stories, like Jane Austen, however, and this one sort of had that feel.  It wasn't a modern-romantic-fiction.  Anyway, it was ok, a quick read and something to do. 

Then I spent a day researching home school curriculum and trying to figure out what in the world I'm gonna do with the kids in the fall.  I made a LOT of progress on this, and actually feel like I'm starting to get my head wrapped around it all.  I still need to make out a schedule and a few things like that, but I at least feel good about the subject matter that we will be covering and how to go about doing it.  I started getting really excited about it, actually. 

Then I read The Help.  This was a good book.  It only took me about a day to read it.  I thought when I first picked it up, that I might actually be the last person in the world to read it, but then a couple nurses came in and asked about it, so I am not the last (in case you were wondering).  I think I need to rest my eyes tomorrow though.  They are starting to look a little bloodshot. 

Introspection

Well, I bought the blue stocking.  I know everyone was in suspense over it. 

Thursday we were all measured, and even though B is still little we got a good report.  A is approximately 3lbs 5 oz, and B is 1lb 14 oz.  I have gained 42 lbs.  Even though B is still growing and seems to be doing well, they don't want me trying bedrest at home until he is at least 2 lbs.  So they're going to remeasure in 2 weeks instead of waiting a month like they normally do.  I'll be 32 weeks then anyhow, so in a much better place developmentally as far the babies are concerned. 

After the visit I had started trying to mentally prepare myself for making it almost to term (at least past 34 weeks) and then being able to take A home from the hospital with me and B still having to stay here for a while because of his malnourished state for basically the entire pregnancy, well since the placenta took over his nourishment anyway. So I have had some very mixed feelings the past few days.  Part of me is frustrated with myself for stressing out over it.  I had been doing really well the past month over realizing that God is in control, and whatever outcome we had here we were going to be able to deal with, and just really accepting the situation and having peace of mind over it.  I felt like that was starting to waiver a little bit.  So after praying about it, I feel like God used my doctor to sort of put my mind at rest.  When I was talking to her today she said that since B has been fighting so hard to survive in a sort of compromised situation, that he will probably do better than A.  She said that all of the 'extra' work he's doing to just survive produces his own set of steriods basically that give him an advantage that A probably won't have.  I know it's not a guarantee, and anything could still happen, and we will still deal with whatever happens, but I truly felt it was an answer to prayer for my peace of mind, and God letting me know He was still here, and still in control. 

I've also had some other thoughts, some of them generated by Crazy Love, which I have finished and thought was a great thought provoking book, that has totally motivated me to do some things diffferently.  One of them had to do with my perspective on life.  I realized that most if not all of the reason that I have geen doing ok with this hospital stay is that I know it's temporary.  It's going to end, pretty soon in the big scheme of things, and even though I'm not certain of the outcome at this point and don't know when the stay will end, I have it to look forward to.  This is constantly in the back of my mind.  When I'm reading, knitting, eating, talking on the phone, having vital signs taken, that knowledge sets the tone for my stay here.  I was pretty ashamed to realize the same was not true of my viewpoint of life on this earth.  I, sadly, do not constantly have the end in mind while I go about my daily routine at home.  When I'm making breakfast, checking off my to-do list, laundry, etc.  I'm not thinking about the end.  I'm not thinking about life with God after this life is over.  It is not a constant thought in the back of my head.  Life is temporary, and I know that.  I actually know how this story is going to end, so there is no uncertainty, except for the "when".  Yet I so easily get caught up in the here and now.  So I plan on changing this.  I'm starting with prayer.  I know that just as the Lord has been faithful during this hospital stay, He will continue it when I am at home, and if I seek His help in this then He can make it happen. 

Settling In

Today makes exactly 3 weeks since my re-admittance to the hospital.   If you count my first stay, I've been here 3 weeks and 3 days.  I've gotten used to the nurses, the schedules.  Right now I am the longest standing patient up here.  Believe it or not, I am not going crazy yet.  I finally started reading one of the MANY books I have here, Crazy Love.  I've been trying to read this book for around a year now, if not more.  I will get about 2 chapters into it, and then have to put it down for one reason or another, and so when I pick it up next, I feel like I need to start at the beginning because it's been a while, and so I should really have the beginning memorized by this point.  But I have made it into chapter 6 now, and it is very thought provoking.  Very.  It is helping me re-evaluate my life and what to change about it when I get out of here. Well, when the babies are born, rather.  Because there is now a chance that I may get to go home and finish out my bed rest there.  Basically, I'm trying to figure out how to start some new routines and habits to help all of us be a lot more Christ centered in our daily life.  Maybe he's got some tips for that in second half of the book. 

I have finished updating Ansley's and Silas's baby books.  I still have to do Silas's photo album, but I haven't ordered those pictures yet because I have 2 little pictures that are still on my camera that I want to print off, and I can't seem to get them on this computer, so I may have to wait until I get home.  I'm caught up on my Thank you notes, and we've almost made a decision on which bunk beds to purchase, and baby names. Almost.  I've also been shopping for another Christmas stocking - I normally wait until after Christmas to buy the stockings from PB kids, because then they're only $10 each and have free shipping.  But this year it sort of backfired, and they evidently had stellar sales, and there was only one option for me and I needed two.  So I've been shopping on ebay and cannot believe that people are trying to sell these stockings, already monogrammed no less, for $50.  What is this world coming to?  I finally found some reasonable ones, but I would basically be paying original full price plus shipping, and I hate doing that.  Well, truthfully, here's the dilemma.  The stocking that I REALLY want, I would have to do that.  My second choice I think I could get for $15 plus shipping, and my third choice I could probably get for $15 total.  Right now, all the boys have blue stockings and Ansley has a red one.  If I hang them all in order, I could do blue-red-blue-red-blue, and would have to then get Baby A a red stocking, which my first choice is.  If I go with second or third choice, it would mean all boys had blue stockings, which would be fine.  But when they're hanging all nice and cute next to each other it would be blue-red-blue-blue-blue.  I promise I am not a paranoid schitzophrenic nor do I have OCD, at least not a serious case of it.  What should I do?

Ok, well after that last paragraph you may think I have started to go crazy in here, plus it totally doesn't fit in with my desired new train of thought on materialism. 

Anyway, I had to change rooms last night because there was a leak in my ceiling from something on the floor above me, so now I'm in a new big room.  R. rearranged the furniture in here and I have a different view, but otherwise, it's the same room pretty much.  Tomorrow is the big weigh in for the babies.  They're going to do measurements!  It's been over 3 weeks, so I'm pretty excited to see what they think they weigh.  I might even weigh myself just for kicks.